Friday was a bugger!

After I had just posted about how well my son was handling all of the commotion this year, I received letters from his teacher(ominous music in the background)
I was in no mood to put up with the complaints of a teacher who still uses methods from the 13th century. I wrote him a letter. wanna see it?

Dear Sir,

I am writing to you because I have noticed a disturbing trend in my son's reported behavior in your class. I have received three notes in the last week that indicate that my son's behavior is not ideal in your class. This raises concerns for me, which is, I am sure, the intent.

My fundamental question is- what is the main objective of these letters? To be more specific, what is your objective in class? What are your long-term goals regarding my son and the other children? What would you like these children to be long after they have left your class?

I, as a parent, am hoping that my son will become happy, caring, responsible, curious, and creative, and a lifelong learner. I want him to become a critical thinker with capable skills and not just someone who can answer standardized tests. In no way, shape, or form, do I want him to become someone who blindly obeys authority without question; who is compliant and docile. If that were the case, he could go to work for McDonald's now. I envision greater things for my son.

As I see it, it is up to both of us to create an ability in him to see how he is affecting others and give him alternative choices in his behaviors. I have raised him by giving him logical reasons for conformity. I try not to ask of him that he just “be seated, and refrain from talking” without having him examine how his behavior is radiating to the rest of the group. He does not respond well to controlling behaviors from authority, as you may have noticed. When given the opportunity, the motivations for his actions are usually altruistic, although lately, he has begun to be punitive as well. I am concerned that compliance and obedience are the main objective instead of moral and intrinsic motivations.

How can we hope for his behavior to become internalized if he is under the impression that he is in a no-win situation? How motivated would any of us be if we felt that way? I feel that the more we suppress his ability to see the way his actions are affecting others- the more we “manage” his behavior for him- the less he will be able to develop a moral sophistication that allows him to genuinely care about other people and make the correct decisions that come from thinking for himself. As for his “talking back” behavior, this is how I have related to him his whole life. He is asking for the logic behind the request, or offering a reason that he cannot comply with the request at that time. This may be because he has a specific need that is unfulfilled. This is your opportunity to help him re-examine his thought process and his conclusions. I have found that when he is given the specific reason(s) for a given behavior, he becomes compliant on his own. It becomes his idea and, internally, he has good reasons for the compliance.

What are you asking of him? Do you want a person who asks questions and seeks to find the answers? Do you want a person who makes responsible decisions? Do you want someone who helps others and has a sense of obligation towards society? Is the main goal limited to “sit quietly, don’t fool around, and get the work done?”

If it is the latter, I am sorry to bother you and I will instruct him about the reasons for that expediency. (and then I signed it)

So I gave one to the teacher, and to cover my hinney I gave one to the vice principal. The first one skimmed it but did not really read it. I was so offended. The second one read it and now has a plan of action that involves all of the teachers in the fifth grade. The complaining teacher said that ALL of the other teachers were having the same problems with my son. Well I know he's no angel and I know that he will never "sit down, shut up, and do his work" willingly. But i also know that when he is treated with respect and given the choice he can be as good as gold. He has good reason, based on empirical evidence, to mistrust teachers. Many of them in this town are terrible, and he knows it. His problem is that he has not yet earned to cover his distaste and do what needs to be done. This sounds awful, but he's pretty stuck up about people doing their job the best they can.He doesn't see that some people aren't as good as others even when they do their best. It's not just teachers, it's waitresses and post ofc workers, and Wal-mart employees, and grocery store clerks- and anyone who could obviously have done a better job, but didn't.

we'll see what happens